#kalamsheikh#sis - "prepare for the marriage, not the wedding"
8:32 PM
"Prepare for the Marriage, Not the Wedding" by Sister Yasmin Mogahed
-A wedding is seen as the end of something and like we were living incomplete in some way before it. It's what we learn from young. But it's not the case.
EXAMPLES OF MADE UP REALITY WE ARE LEARNING FROM CHILDHOOD
(1) Sleeping Beauty - Prince walks in a castle, he scans for the most beautiful girl, she is in a coma/dead so all he loves is her beauty, he decides to kiss her which is strange cos wanting to kiss a dead person is strange, after the kiss everything comes to life including her.
: Only when u are beautiful can you do something
: You are not complete, capable, and your life does not begin till a prince comes along to save you
(2) Cinderalla - She is abused but has little woodland helpers to get her through, a passive victim of her own life, she has no power at all, then a fairygod mother gives her a beautiful dress to go to a ball, she is the best dressed and most beautiful and the prince falls for her without knowing anything about her at all.
: When you have the best dress and shoes and the most beautiful then everything will be ok,
: You are helpless, incomplete, a victim till a man comes to save you...what about God saving you?
(1) Sleeping Beauty - Prince walks in a castle, he scans for the most beautiful girl, she is in a coma/dead so all he loves is her beauty, he decides to kiss her which is strange cos wanting to kiss a dead person is strange, after the kiss everything comes to life including her.
: Only when u are beautiful can you do something
: You are not complete, capable, and your life does not begin till a prince comes along to save you
(2) Cinderalla - She is abused but has little woodland helpers to get her through, a passive victim of her own life, she has no power at all, then a fairygod mother gives her a beautiful dress to go to a ball, she is the best dressed and most beautiful and the prince falls for her without knowing anything about her at all.
: When you have the best dress and shoes and the most beautiful then everything will be ok,
: You are helpless, incomplete, a victim till a man comes to save you...what about God saving you?
ISLAMIC VIEW ON MARRIAGE
-Marriage is completing half your Deen but it doesn't mean you were incomplete before that. Take Maryam for example, she was unmarried but still one of the most perfect women.
-People ask when you are getting married as tho they are asking - When are you gonna stop being handicapped, when are you gonna be able to fulfill your purpose as a human? Marriage is not the answer for either of these.
: You were created to worship Allah SWT. You were not ultimately created to be a wife, mother, doctor, teacher, etc...you were created to be a slave to Allah SWT. Marriage is only one (ONLY ONE) of the many ways to Allah SWT. There are many many ways to reach Allah SWT. Being a wife, mother etc is only one way...if you don't have this path, it does not mean you are not fulfilling your purpose.
-Again, just in case you didn't hear that, Your purpose is to be a slave to Allah SWT. There are many ways to reach him. You don't need to be married. You don't need to be a wife and mother to be His slave and get into Jannah.
-The relationship between husband and wife is just a sign or a guidance or POINTER to Allah SWT. But it is not the destination. It's just a path that could take you the Allah SWT. BUT THE STORY DOES NOT END AT THE WEDDING.Living happily ever after does not work that way. Your end is Allah SWT, marriage is just one of the means. That's it.
(But it can be a very good and very fulfilling way)
HOW TO GET PEACE, TRANQUILITY, STABILITY IN A RELATIONSHIP
-Peace, Tranquility, Stability is what is needed in the relationship.
-There are 2 types of love: (1) Felt love (2) Expressed love needs to be throughout the relationship. If you don't express love, then how will you get through? This is a part of keeping your relationship strong. If you don't show it or do anything to express it...if it doesn't show in your actions...the relationship will not work. (*) some other elements of love: mercy, compassion, care, empathy, also play a part in keeping the relationship going.
-Peace, Tranquility, Stability is what is needed in the relationship.
-There are 2 types of love: (1) Felt love (2) Expressed love needs to be throughout the relationship. If you don't express love, then how will you get through? This is a part of keeping your relationship strong. If you don't show it or do anything to express it...if it doesn't show in your actions...the relationship will not work. (*) some other elements of love: mercy, compassion, care, empathy, also play a part in keeping the relationship going.
ALLAH SWT ALWAYS CONNECTS BELIEF WITH GOOD ACTION/DEED IN THE QURAN (A bit more on expressed love)
-Allah SWT always connects Belief with Good Action/Deeds in the Quran. So what is in the heart needs also to be translated into action. Examples: I don't only wear my hijab in my heart...I also wear it on my head. You have to show your love if you want the relationship to keep going. Once expressed love and actions that show love stops, don't be surprised when your relationship is impacted.
-Allah SWT always connects Belief with Good Action/Deeds in the Quran. So what is in the heart needs also to be translated into action. Examples: I don't only wear my hijab in my heart...I also wear it on my head. You have to show your love if you want the relationship to keep going. Once expressed love and actions that show love stops, don't be surprised when your relationship is impacted.
THE MARRIAGE IS NOT AN END, IT IS THE BEGINNING.
- When you see the marriage as a path and not an end then you see things differently. When you think a person will give you fulfilment, importance, confidence, happiness, satisfaction, then most of the time you will be disappointed.
-The purpose for marriage is for your spouse to make you become a better person, to help you improve yourself, to help you get to Jannah - This is how you complete the other half of your Deen. [Your spouse will help you to built your character. Everything else will be a consequence of you becoming better. Love, romance, attraction, everything else become much stronger because of how the other person makes you feel about yourself while improving yourself.]
-You might be giving and giving and giving and not getting anything back in your relationship. If you do it for the sake of Allah SWT...Allah SWT always Sees and Knows. People are ungrateful. If we are ungrateful to Allah SWT, what about to people. But we need to be appreciative. He who does not thank people, does not thank Allah SWT.
-Giving vs. Taking - The Islamic Concept of Marriage encourages giving. Focus on giving for the sake of Allah SWT. If you don't focus on Allah SWT, you feel empty. When we do things for our nafs...it focuses on taking. You take and then become disappointed when the person who was supposed to fulfill you, who you thought was so great so hot, when they now are not giving you but wanting to take from you instead, this when you WAKE UP and reality hits after the infatuation phase...
- When you see the marriage as a path and not an end then you see things differently. When you think a person will give you fulfilment, importance, confidence, happiness, satisfaction, then most of the time you will be disappointed.
-The purpose for marriage is for your spouse to make you become a better person, to help you improve yourself, to help you get to Jannah - This is how you complete the other half of your Deen. [Your spouse will help you to built your character. Everything else will be a consequence of you becoming better. Love, romance, attraction, everything else become much stronger because of how the other person makes you feel about yourself while improving yourself.]
-You might be giving and giving and giving and not getting anything back in your relationship. If you do it for the sake of Allah SWT...Allah SWT always Sees and Knows. People are ungrateful. If we are ungrateful to Allah SWT, what about to people. But we need to be appreciative. He who does not thank people, does not thank Allah SWT.
-Giving vs. Taking - The Islamic Concept of Marriage encourages giving. Focus on giving for the sake of Allah SWT. If you don't focus on Allah SWT, you feel empty. When we do things for our nafs...it focuses on taking. You take and then become disappointed when the person who was supposed to fulfill you, who you thought was so great so hot, when they now are not giving you but wanting to take from you instead, this when you WAKE UP and reality hits after the infatuation phase...
YOU ARE EMPTY WITHOUT ALLAH SWT, HOW CAN YOU GIVE AND SACRIFICE WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER?
-But you are empty...how can you give, they are also empty thats why they will want to demand and focus on taking as well. You can't be anything but needy, starving and selfish when you are empty inside. Solution: Never go to another person hungry and starving....don't expect people and ask them to fill your emptiness cos they are likely empty too. Go be filled by Allah SWT then go to people full and rich. A rich person now has the capacity to give and able to give, be generous, to care, to be patient. A starving person can't ever do this. You moved from relationship to relationship begging and the other person is also begging...is it peaceful? Is it that tranquility Allah SWT is describing? No. There is no tranquility.
-A beggar doesn't beg from another beggar...its ludacris. If you are both bankrupt it doesn't work. Ask from Allah SWT, ask from the King.
-Don't insist on getting something from concrete (a hard person, a person who has nothing to give)...don't dig concrete! Your hands will break, bleed and you will come back humiliated.
-Go to Allah SWT and when He gives guidance and gives to you...take! Take the guidance so that you can become rich!
-The more we beg Allah SWT the more we are elevated, the more we beg from the people the more humiliated you become. When you beg from the king by humbling yourself in prayer and du'a, you become rich. When you are rich then you are in a position to GIVE.
-Make your relationship with the king and keep yourself full. Do NOT get into a relationship where there is "begging" for importance, affection, attraction, chemistry, happiness, etc. If she is begging and he is begging you cannot get full, your relationship will not be strong and you will end in humiliation.
-But you are empty...how can you give, they are also empty thats why they will want to demand and focus on taking as well. You can't be anything but needy, starving and selfish when you are empty inside. Solution: Never go to another person hungry and starving....don't expect people and ask them to fill your emptiness cos they are likely empty too. Go be filled by Allah SWT then go to people full and rich. A rich person now has the capacity to give and able to give, be generous, to care, to be patient. A starving person can't ever do this. You moved from relationship to relationship begging and the other person is also begging...is it peaceful? Is it that tranquility Allah SWT is describing? No. There is no tranquility.
-A beggar doesn't beg from another beggar...its ludacris. If you are both bankrupt it doesn't work. Ask from Allah SWT, ask from the King.
-Don't insist on getting something from concrete (a hard person, a person who has nothing to give)...don't dig concrete! Your hands will break, bleed and you will come back humiliated.
-Go to Allah SWT and when He gives guidance and gives to you...take! Take the guidance so that you can become rich!
-The more we beg Allah SWT the more we are elevated, the more we beg from the people the more humiliated you become. When you beg from the king by humbling yourself in prayer and du'a, you become rich. When you are rich then you are in a position to GIVE.
-Make your relationship with the king and keep yourself full. Do NOT get into a relationship where there is "begging" for importance, affection, attraction, chemistry, happiness, etc. If she is begging and he is begging you cannot get full, your relationship will not be strong and you will end in humiliation.
PRACTICAL ADVISE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE - Dzikr Challenge - Do 3 things daily to change your life and relationships
(1) Solah - On time not whenever you want. Your life depends on it. The true life of your heart and soul depends on Solah on time. Allah SWT knows best.
(2) After Fajr and Asar, morning and evening dua.
(3) Read some Quran and reflect on it.
(1) Solah - On time not whenever you want. Your life depends on it. The true life of your heart and soul depends on Solah on time. Allah SWT knows best.
(2) After Fajr and Asar, morning and evening dua.
(3) Read some Quran and reflect on it.
Your heart will become soft but protected with the dzikr of Allah SWT.
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